Tuesday, March 24, 2015

When Meh takes over…

I’m not typically a Meh person. I can be emotionally or spiritually motivated by much. I am quite motivated by building a schedule of things to do, and then systematically checking them off, one by one.

I’m quite motivated by playing loud music and singing along.

I can find motivation in getting artistically messy, playing at the park with my kids, and working out.

I am, after all, a doer.

Life is busy, though…and I find myself in a cycle of too much work, too many chores, too little time and space. I find that I don’t have silence, I don’t have much art and my quiet time is limited or broken into several small moments instead of one expanse of time.

This is not motivating for me to go mindlessly from thing to thing and suddenly I’m on the verge of Easter and feel…gray, washed out, unmotivated and uncooperative…and sleepy.

Yet still I persist.

I am, after all, a doer.

I am often discouraged by those around me who don't seem to have any ambition, or to even show up.

My discouragement comes from knowing how much of myself I put into being prepared, being present, being available, living up to my commitments and honoring those who depend upon me. 

I forge ahead in these times because I feel it taints my message, my witness if I do not proceed as committed and planned. 

I am, after all, a doer.

A few weeks ago, I got the flu. Like the stay-in-bed-raging-high-fever-can’t-eat-can’t-move flu. I’ve never been so sick. It took a long time to recover. I skipped the gym while ill and then for a few more days because I couldn’t kick the congestion. And I all I wanted to do was sleep.

I’m a poor sick person. I don’t rest for HOURS at a stretch very well. And I always feel like there is something I should be doing instead of just laying there.

Even if the "something" is reading a book or laying in the sun. 

I am, after all, a doer.

My point, I suppose, is that I got myself into a cycle – work, do it, work, do it, push through, push through, push….

And my body took me down. And forced me to rest. And then forced me to wait to be a doer…even though I went back to doing some things before maybe I should have.

And here is the thing…

I’m suddenly unmotivated by doing.

I feel meh.

But here is another thing.

Right now…unfilled expanses of time are not a real option for me.

I suppose they could be…but then a whole lot of other things would fall apart…and I’m not ready to let that many things fall apart.

I am, after all, a doer.

I have a wonderful friend who has been creating space in her life. She quit her job and followed a dream and is now trying to teach other women to create space.

In my life, I just don’t see how that is possible at this time.

OTHER people in my care need space…OTHER people in my care need for me to check things off of that check list, get up, go to work, do the doing.

So…I continue…

I am, after all, a doer.

But how and where does the energy and strength come when I find myself in one of these places (this is not the first time)? I could (and have) kicked against the goads, exclaimed that all of this is SO NOT fair, been stubborn, and argumentative, pushy, mean and stopped participating.

I’ve cried.

I’ve shut down.

Just for the record, I don’t know who all those things work for, but they don’t work for me.

For me…it is time to press in to God, to press into the promises that this, too, is a season…

I go looking in my Bible for encouragement…I go looking for God to reassure me that He is still there, He knows what I am going through, He feels my frustration and pain, He understands my lethargy for this life…and He grants me peace...

Exodus 33:14 “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Psalm 116:7 “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”

And above all, I remember that tomorrow is another day, another chance, another sunrise...and in that I have so much hope!

Lamentations 3:22-23

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[a]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Peace, ya'll!

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