As in me...
Which is not to say that I'm not trying...
Here is the run down.
I have two children under 5 and a husband who all require my time.
I have a full time (and then some) job with a really incredible company.
I lead a Bible Study of awesome women. (who are as busy as I am!)
I am on an unbelievably amazing design team.
I'm in the midst of Soul Restoration. (And a week behind, I might add, but appropriately RIGHT on time for what God is speaking and affirming into my life!)
I'm trying to keep up (seriously! and its a ONCE A MONTH THING!) with One Little Word. (I'm behind there, too, but I'm just having to deal with it.)
My office/studio is in shambles. (no, I won't be posting pictures of that!)
My to do list is two pages long. (that either!)
There were over 1000 pictures on my camera that I had to clean off on Saturday. 1000 pictures. I'm not going through them. I'm just going to upload them and suffer the bad picture quality.
And all I can think about is how utterly and amazing boring this all is and how bored I am.
Like my inner voice is saying, "THIS again? Can't we get off this silly train!?!?!?!"
Can we say "SHUT DOWN"?!?!?!?!
I'd ask you each for a few minutes of your own day to add to mine, but it would be utterly futile, because when I have an extra second, all I want to do is watch Bones on Netflix.
Its somewhat pathetic, right?
But here's the deal...I'm in the midst of confronting the labels I've placed (or allowed to be placed) on myself and on what I do when I feel overwhelmed or weak.
I used to WORK. Muscle through it. Dig down deep. Organize it into manageable steps and then start walking.
My fight-or-flight mechanism was always set to "FIGHT"! (yes, in all capital letters!)
But now...hmmmm...now....well...I'm not interested in working it out. I'm not interested in digging down deep and muscling through. I'm not interested in work...at least not in the sense that I was, in the sense of conquering a list and checking things off.
I'm sort of more interested in just standing still, really really still, and letting it blow on past me so I can re-enter life at a pace that seems more manageable.
Or sleep through it.
I haven't totally ruled out the Rumpelstiltskin approach.
So...my hyper-organized-control-freak-need-it-in-a-nice-little-box self has gone on vacation. or moved out permanently...(I hope not in reality, because the world would seriously fall apart!)
And I'm in sort of a...well...a conundrum, albeit a pleasantly numb and listless conundrum.
How and why does this happen?
Did all the adrenaline from the fight just peter out?
And where did my organizational skills disappear to?
Its an interesting place for me to be in.
I've been saying for some time "I can't go on like this" and I guess I finally reached that place where breathing and sitting and being still are all I want from NOW.
As if on cue, God answered some long-prayed prayers for me in this place. Not that any desire to power through has actually returned...but more that He has shown me He is still with me, still listening, still providing, still working with me through life.
Sad to say, all of this resistance to movement leaves my blog a bit neglected.
I'm still here, really!
Perhaps, there will be further introspection and some more deep and meaningful stuff to come here. Actually, you can probably count on it.
Perhaps there will be a larger-than-normal number of pretty pictures that I did not take posted to my blog.
I hope you walk this out with me.
Because if I'm about one thing on this blog, its honest transparency. I hope you will still be here to see how me and God work through this and what comes out on the other side.
I'm kind of excited in an I'm-not-moving-an-inch-from-this-restful-spot sort of way.
It will be another journey we can take together.
perhaps it will be a walk...
or a stroll...
or, maybe just stepping out on the front porch and sitting in the swing...
you get the idea.