Thursday, May 21, 2009

Faith (Again)

I struggle with my Faith sometimes…

Knowing in my head that I serve an awesome, graceful, generous and fair God doesn’t always translate to my heart.

I have a fear mechanism that takes over long before the knowing of this fact gets the full distance to the trusting in its true-ness.

As I study the scriptures, my fear mechanism takes over. I’m a bit of a literalist when it comes to the Bible. I believe its all true. All of it. However, I’m keenly aware that there are things written in the Bible for which I have no adequate sensory perception or experience to fully comprehend. It is in that gap…that gap in my understanding, in my lack of experience to fully embrace, that my fear resides.

I cannot trust.

How sad, really. How truly and completely sad.

I’ve relied upon myself for much in my adult life. I have wonderful parents and an amazing sister…but I’ve always felt in some sense outside of the “family.” Perhaps it is the artist in me. Perhaps it is that my parents purposefully created an environment where I was encouraged to be fiercely independent and ultimately responsible for all of my actions.

I have frequently found myself in situations where I’m ultimately unhappy and I hold myself prisoner there out of duty, out of honor, out of obedience. The plain and simple truth is that when one finds oneself in a situation where other people or circumstances are allowed to erode peace or joy, and the choice is made to stay the course, to fight it out instead of bowing out, trust begins to wane. Or die, even.

And thus, you are reading the words of a woman in her late 30’s who will believe that you want to do what you say you are going to do, but that you will choose not to, or be incapable. Based on my disbelief in the outcome, I hedge.

There is always a plan B. Always.

But God – He asks us to put our full faith in Him. He asks us to abandon our need for a plan B.

This is the sort of Faith I struggle with.

In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

Nothing would be impossible. I could move mountains.

Some days I can’t find faith enough to choose a pair of pants...

What if I’m uncomfortable.

What if I spill my drink…

What if these are too hot?

Too cold?

You see how damaging this could be with BIG things in life…

Like having a baby.

Now, let me say, there is one thing I don’t ever worry about…it’s the having of the baby. I didn’t worry last time and I’m not worried this time. I have full peace over the way I eat, the way I sleep, the way my gloriously made body builds and protects babies. As my husband would say, I’m “built for baby making.” (Hips and all, lest there be any doubt.)

Where I falter, where I start to plan B, is when I begin to consider that somebody besides me will have to take care of me…I have difficulty trusting that the nurses and my hubby and all the loving people around me will truly take care of me. I have difficulty being helpless or needing assistance. Its troubling to my heart to know this…to always be hedging…Its an act of sheer will to take a deep breath and just let it all be.

I am also plagued by the "what if" questions of life after baby...

Will we be able to afford it?

Will the two of our kids get along?

Will I be able to stay home longer after the birth?

Will we have enough, be enough, love enough, provide enough…

I’m starting to grasp for my Plan B. And C. And D. And E.

Instead of simply agreeing in my heart with what God has already told me…I can move mountains if only I have the faith of a mustard seed…

And so why am I sharing this?

Well…because God has really put my faith walk on my heart…and He has always always always called me to be transparent in my struggles. I’m not one of those women who walks around as if there is nothing wrong in the world and all of life is perfect.

Why?

Because being transparent opens doors…and dialog…and lets us all understand that we are not alone…It shows that I’m a strong woman with a heart that has been broken and patched back together. It demonstrates that even the most capable women struggle with the simple things sometimes…It shows that you can recover from bad things, expect good things, weather all storms, and still come out kicking, happy, alive, and vibrant.

And...maybe, becuase God put it on my heart to share, somebody else who might read this can have reassurance that its all ok...that even the strong have weakness...and that God can show himself mighty through them...if we let Him.

Peace to you all today!

2 comments:

Elizabeth said...

girl...you spoke right to my hear...such wisdom in your words. clearly it has been way too long since we've had one of our 'i totally get that' conversations...let's get together soon : ) xoxo

Sarabeth Hudson said...

Yes, you can afford it, because you can ALWAYS make things work (not to mention God promises to provide!). No, your children will not always get along, but probably will most of the time, and most importantly, because of the kind of parents your children have, they WILL love each other! And of course you will have, be, love and provide more than enough (see above parentheses :) ). There is an infinite space in your heart for loving children and that is more than enough! <3