Thursday, May 28, 2009

Heard at Our House:

In the middle of the night, after a bad dream:

Are you here, Mommy?

Yes, I’m here.

I so glad you here, Mommy!

After finding out he was going to be a big brother:

Where dat baby?

In Mommy’s tummy.

Can you get him out now?

At the dinner table:

Mommy, I wanna a baby in MY tummy!

Boys don’t really have babies, buddy.

I wan one. In MY tummy!

After tossing and turning for 15 minutes at bed time:

Mommy…I not weally tired!

After having is hair dried with the hair dryer:

I all hamsome now, Mommy!

After being asked if he would like a brother or a sister:

I wanna thister.

What if God sends us a brother?

Den we will put him back an ask God to send us a wittole grill!

Peace, ya'll!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Faith (Again)

I struggle with my Faith sometimes…

Knowing in my head that I serve an awesome, graceful, generous and fair God doesn’t always translate to my heart.

I have a fear mechanism that takes over long before the knowing of this fact gets the full distance to the trusting in its true-ness.

As I study the scriptures, my fear mechanism takes over. I’m a bit of a literalist when it comes to the Bible. I believe its all true. All of it. However, I’m keenly aware that there are things written in the Bible for which I have no adequate sensory perception or experience to fully comprehend. It is in that gap…that gap in my understanding, in my lack of experience to fully embrace, that my fear resides.

I cannot trust.

How sad, really. How truly and completely sad.

I’ve relied upon myself for much in my adult life. I have wonderful parents and an amazing sister…but I’ve always felt in some sense outside of the “family.” Perhaps it is the artist in me. Perhaps it is that my parents purposefully created an environment where I was encouraged to be fiercely independent and ultimately responsible for all of my actions.

I have frequently found myself in situations where I’m ultimately unhappy and I hold myself prisoner there out of duty, out of honor, out of obedience. The plain and simple truth is that when one finds oneself in a situation where other people or circumstances are allowed to erode peace or joy, and the choice is made to stay the course, to fight it out instead of bowing out, trust begins to wane. Or die, even.

And thus, you are reading the words of a woman in her late 30’s who will believe that you want to do what you say you are going to do, but that you will choose not to, or be incapable. Based on my disbelief in the outcome, I hedge.

There is always a plan B. Always.

But God – He asks us to put our full faith in Him. He asks us to abandon our need for a plan B.

This is the sort of Faith I struggle with.

In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

Nothing would be impossible. I could move mountains.

Some days I can’t find faith enough to choose a pair of pants...

What if I’m uncomfortable.

What if I spill my drink…

What if these are too hot?

Too cold?

You see how damaging this could be with BIG things in life…

Like having a baby.

Now, let me say, there is one thing I don’t ever worry about…it’s the having of the baby. I didn’t worry last time and I’m not worried this time. I have full peace over the way I eat, the way I sleep, the way my gloriously made body builds and protects babies. As my husband would say, I’m “built for baby making.” (Hips and all, lest there be any doubt.)

Where I falter, where I start to plan B, is when I begin to consider that somebody besides me will have to take care of me…I have difficulty trusting that the nurses and my hubby and all the loving people around me will truly take care of me. I have difficulty being helpless or needing assistance. Its troubling to my heart to know this…to always be hedging…Its an act of sheer will to take a deep breath and just let it all be.

I am also plagued by the "what if" questions of life after baby...

Will we be able to afford it?

Will the two of our kids get along?

Will I be able to stay home longer after the birth?

Will we have enough, be enough, love enough, provide enough…

I’m starting to grasp for my Plan B. And C. And D. And E.

Instead of simply agreeing in my heart with what God has already told me…I can move mountains if only I have the faith of a mustard seed…

And so why am I sharing this?

Well…because God has really put my faith walk on my heart…and He has always always always called me to be transparent in my struggles. I’m not one of those women who walks around as if there is nothing wrong in the world and all of life is perfect.


Because being transparent opens doors…and dialog…and lets us all understand that we are not alone…It shows that I’m a strong woman with a heart that has been broken and patched back together. It demonstrates that even the most capable women struggle with the simple things sometimes…It shows that you can recover from bad things, expect good things, weather all storms, and still come out kicking, happy, alive, and vibrant.

And...maybe, becuase God put it on my heart to share, somebody else who might read this can have reassurance that its all ok...that even the strong have weakness...and that God can show himself mighty through them...if we let Him.

Peace to you all today!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So...I'm a little late in posting this on the old blog, here, but:

I realize I'm not showing, but seriously - if I could go straight to stretchy pants, I would be ever so waistbands make me kinda itchy...not that they are too small or anything...they just...I don't know....BUG me...ya know?

I knew I was pregnant pretty much right on the day I should have gotten my monthly visitor. You see, I feel a specific way when I'm on the verge of the monthly and I just wasn't feeling that way. Instead, I was VERY tired and just knew that something wasn't "normal." BUT it took nearly two weeks after that to get a pregnancy test to confirm my suspicions. THEN it took me another week to convince the doctor to give me an appointment. THEN I had to wait another week to get a scan - and low and behold at 7 weeks, they saw the little heartbeat! WHOAH!!!!

I'm not due until December...and if you would like to pray about the sex, PLEASE pray for a BOY. I would love for Jay to have a little brother to tumble around with AND I have an attic full of barely used boy baby gear awaiting the arrival of another boy. On the positive side, if I have a girl, I have a friend who is having twin boys who will love all that gorgeous stuff...

So, in the spirit of shopping for EVER so cute baby loot, I found this delightful little tool by My Wooby and Me on etsy.

We are big fans of both the paci and the paci tether 'round these parts. Paci tethers are the best invention...when your little one is in the car seat and they want to go to sleep and you are driving...they can reach for the paci on a tether and VOILA, no crying, no pulling over, no fussing for the paci in some bag in the back seat.

Best part of a paci over a thumb? You can TAKE IT AWAY - or, it gets all worn out and thus no longer satisfying and thus gets discarded for being worn out and unsatisfying. The key is, you can't keep replacing the paci if it gets worn just let it wear out...or "wear it out" on purpose...Oh...and you can boil it to get all the icky germs off...while a thumb can be germy too, you probably don't want to boil one of those!

I also found this adorable little thing at appledonia on etsy.

She had so many super cute designs...I was torn about my favorite!

Peace, ya'll!

Have a FAB DAY!

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

On this day in History:

In 1840 - The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in Great Britain.

In 1851 - The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John Gorrie.

In 1877 - Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in Nebraska.

In 1915 - Babe Ruth hit his first major league home run while playing for the Boston Red Sox.

In 1941 - Bob Hope gave his first USO show at California's March Field. (which doesn’t exist any more, by the way)

In 1954 - British runner Roger Banister broke the four minute mile.

In 1960 - U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.

In 1994 - The Chunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the English Channel links England and France.

George Clooney (yes!), Bob Seeger, Willie Mays, Sigmund Freud, Orson Wells, and Rudolph Valintino were born.

And you know who else?


Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

(Sorry for the cheesy picture, mom….but its all I’ve got that’s recent!)

I love you SO much and I am so thankful to you! I'm thankful you set boundaries, had high expectations, loved the heck out of us, made sure we were involved in school and activities, kept us on the straight and narrow.

I miss you so much and wish I could be there to take you out to lunch and shopping!


Peace, ya'll!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Rain, an Owl, and Peaceful silence

We live in a charming place…a safe and open place…a place where we lock tight the lower floors and open the upstairs windows to the breeze and the trees and the welcome cool of spring evenings.

It’s charming when you can open your windows and turn on the ceiling fans and drift off to sleep with the fresh air.

Last night it rained…lightly and consistently. Enough to cool everything down, but not enough to justify closing up the windows.

When sleep found me, I was listening to droplets of water gently tap, tap, tapping on leaves of various sizes, wooden deck, wind chimes, an umbrella, the stones, the grass…

Funny how rain can quiet the world, can instantly bring busyness to a halt, can bring everything down a notch…people stop, animals take cover, traffic slows…

Rain is magical…Its as though the world is afraid it will melt…

And when my head hit the pillow, I was drenched with music of the rain…

I was awakened by something around 1:30 this morning with no idea why I was suddenly, alertly awake…

At that hour, in this part of the world, it is very, very quiet. The silence was marvelous – almost enough in and of itself to wake someone.

I have very little awareness of how noisy my world is until I’m faced with silence…I do not often pay attention to cacophony ensuing around me – traffic, voices, humming lights, ringing phones, Jay singing or playing, the radio, lawnmowers, birds, squirrels…even when set to silent, my cell phone will vibrate against my hip, making noise. I simply live in a noisy world.

I was pondering the wonder of my two ears, the rustle of leaves and grass, often so silent or barely audible, became crystal clear when all the chaos was washed away. I don't often appreciate what God has given me in my hearing...I take it for granted...until the busy, noisy world fades away and I'm left with the very things God created my ears to hear - His creation, His music. Lost deeply in my thoughts, I had nearly drifted back to sleep.

And then I heard it…


An owl…

For me, this is a special gift from God…I’m not exactly sure why, but I love to hear that owl. The sound of his cry fills me with awe and anticipation. I love knowing that he is around, that all the city that has been built around him doesn’t stop him from staying here in our neighborhood, that my wooded and un-manicured yard is a place he finds fruitful for hunting or resting or watching the night go by.

I don’t hear him most of the time. If its winter or summer, he’s often drowned out by the humming heater or air conditioner…but in the spring and fall, in the very early morning, I hear that he has found his way to my back yard to hunt.

And this morning, God woke me so I could hear him call, to give me the gift of this owl’s cry. It must seem strange that I would get so much pleasure from the cry of an owl…many would say that the interruption to their sleep wasn’t worth the noise.

I, on the other hand, find great peace and pleasure in the knowledge that he’s back there, watching and waiting and calling out. He hung around for awhile longer, and then the rain began again.

That damp silence settled like a heavy blanket over me and I was filled with deep peace and satisfaction…the kind of peace that comes from those rare encounters with God’s creation that we sometimes are fortunate enough to experience.

It’s the simplest things in life, rain and nature and silence, that connect us with our maker…we really do make life far more complicated than it has to be.

I am so grateful for the reminder…

Peace, ya’ll!