Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I wish I had words to truly express…

The joy I get from listening to and watching my son while he plays.

The immense pain I feel at knowing that I am less important than a computer.

The helplessness I feel when I want to help but can’t find a way.

The awe I feel when I see God work in somebody’s life.

The insignificance I feel when observing something perfectly played out in nature.

The frustration I feel when I cannot conquer something in my own strength.

The anger I feel when the spirit and soul of a child are crushed.

The isolation I feel when I long to share but there is no one there to share with.

The gratitude I feel when I lay my head on my soft pillow in my soft bed in my air conditioned home each night.

The freedom I feel when I’ve created something.

The satisfaction I feel when I know I’ve done a job well.

The confusion I feel when I know I’m being jabbed at and cannot figure out why.

The peace I feel knowing that no matter how much else I feel…God is in control.

Monday, August 27, 2007

That’s how I roll…

I picked up a copy of Artful Blogging last week.

Let me first say, if you haven’t seen this publication (it will be a quarterly publication from Stampington & Co.) you need to at least pick it up and flip through it.

The visual feast alone is worth the price…I flipped and flipped and flipped before I actually settled in to read some of the inspirations. It’s just gorgous…highly recommended!

I’m only about 2 or 3 entries into it and so far, they are all my favorite…

It has me reflecting on my blog and my style and whether or not what I do is “art.”

I’d say…hmmmm…maybe not…but…then again…maybe…

As I review my blog entries, I realize my blog is just so ME…

Its green….not that I’m GREEN in the literal sense…but…you know…I love trees and (some) bugs and that I can still see deer by the side of the road and hear the owl in my back yard and that I occasionally glimpse the box turtle that also apparently lives there… and that I absolutely despise the people that think that bricks and concrete and gas-guzzling honkin’ SUV’s are cool…

It’s practical…I tend to be a no-nonsense person…I like things neat and tidy and fully encapsulated. Strange that this point should follow the green point…but…such is the order of things. I believe nature has an order – a perfect order…and…Yes...I AM a box person..this into this box, that into that box…I will confess I get box bleedthrough…which leads me to my next point…

It’s about my spiritual and intellectual wanderings such as they are…I love to wander through my thoughts and use big words and explore topics and get up on my soap box and share my insecurities and thoughts with anyone who can tolerate it…so…there you have it.

It’s about scrapbooking – my passion…a passion I do not get to exercise enough because of my responsibilities…





Which of course leads me to my next point…

Its family friendly…meaning I talk all about my family and encourage you to talk all about yours…and, of course, its FULL of images and blathering about my son!!! Who…is the CUTEST thing EVER (says every mom in America!!!) PS…aren’t they ALL the cutest thing EVER!?!?!?!??! I just love the little buggers…who’d a thunk???\



It’s transparent…I frequently discover that I have a reader I knew NOTHING about…and it changes nothing about how I would present here. If you like it…come back…If you don’t like it…come back anyway – it will give you something to rant about on your own blog…and if you think its just freaky enough that you can’t look but that you can’t look away…well…in that case you don’t get out enough and you need to start setting up some interactions with real people.

I try to be funny…at which, I generally fail.

I try to be enlightening…at which I’m occasionally successful…

I try to share what art I do manage to create…again, occasionally successful.

I try to share how I’m frustrated because I don’t get the opportunity to make enough art to be more successful…

And I try to share my successes, insecurities, failures, fun, adventures, amazements, boredom, disbelief, etc with anyone who cares to read a bit… A little everyday life..

And the closest I’ll ever be to “famous.”

Hey…it IS my 15 minutes!!!

Peace, yall!!

PS…I don’t have a clue how any mom of 5 could move to China to support her husband’s dreams…kudos to her for the adventure, the just-crazy-enough-to-do-it attitude and the courage she must have to have to make that happen! You can read about it here:

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Where ever you go, there you are.

This is one of Scott’s favorite expressions…

Delightful multiple meaning phrase…

At first glance, your reaction is “DUH!”

The simplicity of it, though,,,

It can really get to you if you stop and think for just one moment…

It could literally mean, “there you are.” Well, good…there you are…

It could mean that no matter where you are, you still have to live with yourself. Mmmm….that’s powerful. I am, after all, the only person I have to face in the mirror each morning.

It can also mean that no change of venue can change who you are…

Meaning, of course, that if you do not consciously make different choices, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes, no matter where you are. I have a wonderful friend who has a glorious point of view about this…

She proposes that life is like a spiral staircase…you go around and around and around…you see the same things, have the same issues, travel in a predictable pattern…the only difference is that your view is slightly higher up than it was the last time. If you never leave the staircase, you don’t really experience anything new, just the same things from different vantage points.

This, of course, is not to say that a change of scenery cannot jump start change in your life.

Could you not switch to a new staircase???? Now, that’s a thought….

However it requires paying attention.

It requires being in the moment…not getting caught up in our own crazy cycles or patterns…it requires enough of knowing who and where you are to make choices to be and go someplace new.

And then there is the courage to make those choices…

By the way, did I mention that Jayden is walking? A couple steps here and there. Not exactly doing the Walk for the Cure, but certainly venturing out on his own away from the furniture and the security of having something to “hold on to.”

Now there is a paradigm shift.

Peace, ya’ll!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Unspoken...

Have you ever awakened with words in your mouth the time for which has long passed?

Sometimes the enormity of a situation dumbfounds us…and things are left unsaid…important things…

I have a friend from LONG ago who found herself in a situation that would be less than desirable for any of us. And, try as she might, there were no words to make it all right again.

There was another individual involved who had even less desire to be there. He happened to have something that my friend didn’t have - a viable but less-than-honorable escape route. He took his chances with his honor and fled, leaving my friend with her words and her feelings and her confusion and her pain to sort out the details and try to find a way through.

Now, 15 years later, my friend has made her peace. She has lived up to responsibilities she might not have chosen, found a love she didn’t think she had in her, exhibited strength that most do not find and, in the process, managed to carve a peaceful and happy life out of the world. She found her way in her own time.

And yet, things remain unspoken. So many things left unsaid.

Today, she will get a chance to confront all those unspoken words. But, there will probably be no opportunity to actually voice them.

The words to be spoken now belong to some one else. They have a higher priority. They matter more.

The words that need to be spoken now will bring closure, open new channels of communication, bring understanding…and possibly disappointment. They will provide an opportunity for healing and for growth…and for moving on to the next thing – with or without answers.

These events have shined a light on some of my own unspoken words…

I’ve found myself focused on the closed-off parts of my heart…on the things I wish I had the strength, wisdom, and opportunity to say…on things that I’m sure would fall on deaf hears…On words that should have been spoken long ago to people who more than deserved my most humble apologies, my most profound wisdom, my deepest friendship, my greatest trust, the best I had to offer.

In those times, I could not manage to find the words to make it all right again.

And now, across the distances of time and wisdom and life experiences…well…I still don’t have the words to make it right…I understand that nothing can make it right…but…I do have the words to express my deep emotion, pain, regret, love, trust, understanding…an honest apology.

Sometimes your mouth gets full of words the time for which has long passed…

Will you listen to my story?
It’ll just be a minute.
How can I explain?
Whatever happened, dear?
I never meant to hurt you.
How could I cause you so much pain?
All the words that I come up with,
They’re like gasoline on flames.
There’s no excuse, no explanation
Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong
I’d give away all that I own.
If I told you I’ve been
Cleanin’ my soul,
And if I promised you
I’ll regain control,
Will you open your door,
And let me in,
Take me for who I am,
And not for who I’ve been?
When I say I’m sorry,
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story,
Say you won’t leave me.
When I say I’m sorry,
Can your forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe me?
Will you believe in me?


Peace, everyone!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Pleasant alternative…

I was reading Rebecca Sower’s blog where she quoted some things from this book:



One of the things she quoted was this:

"think of appreciation as a pleasant alternative to ownership"

My response to her blog was:

This struck such a chord with me.

I have shared once before the active (aggressive?) position I took some time ago to empty my life of the meaningless clutter and to really focus on what I need, on how my life had gotten a bit austere in the process.

I'm so struck by this because I have emptied my life of those things that I do not NEED and often find myself coveting things that others have. I find myself wishing I had this or that possession in my life...

Understanding intellectually that coveting another person's life is destructive doesn't always translate to a heart that longs for certain things. And the cylce of coveting often finds its way back to "here I am and it is what it is" with a disdainful attitude.

If I step back for one moment, I realize how amazing my life is...how amazing God's gifts to me have been...and gratitude is renewed. The key is that I have to remind myself to step back.

The thought of appreciating and being a good steward over what I have been gifted with is an immensely more rewarding thought than that of owning and the burdens of caring for what you own. It also instantly increases the value of this life I have chosen not to clutter with things I do not love, use or need.

When viewed from a perspective of appreciation, its a life of space and light.

And fewer things to dust!


I find myself very focused on this issue of having and having not and having too much and wanting to have everything. Many a blog entry has been placed here about finding a simpler life...a life of quality, not quantity...a life filled with things I love instead of things the media and the culture tell me I need.

There simply has to be a less expensive, more sane, simpler way to live a life that is rewarding and full without being full of disposable stuff.

I want to read this book.

After reading the Art of Possibility, I feel like this will be a wonderful expansive read. I’ll be checking in.

Peace, ya’ll!

Monday, August 06, 2007

The First Time...

The boy was up at 1:30…

AM.

He was generally awake from 1:30 to 3:45….

AM.

I cried…

Literally.

Why does this child awaken in the middle of the night, every night, and not go back to sleep?

I’m completely in tune with those wild-animal mothers who eat their young…

Completely.

At 3:45, he let out one more squawk.

I felt it was kinder to both of us to leave him alone and just focus on my breathing.

And with a final whimper, he gave up.

Hurricane Jayden sleeps.

No doubt exhausted from trying to wriggle, wrangle and wrestle his way out of his crib, my arms, the boppy, and everything else attempting to quiet and soothe him back to the land of Nod.

At 5:45 he was awake again.

Sigh…

So, one baby and one bottle made their way to the crook of daddy’s arm in our bed and all three of them nodded off together.

Then…

At the bright and shiny hour of 7:00…

He was awake.

Again.

He was chatty…

Happy…

Making that monkey sound he loves so much…

Oooooo…Oooooo…Oooooo…

I opened the door from the bathroom to the bedroom to witness the commotion…

There was a huge toothy grin.

Bright, shiny eyes.

Crazy hair...

Sitting up in the bed, looking at me with expectation and excitement.

Morning had indeed arrived

He flung himself over the pillows and covers of our bed…

Pumping those chubby little legs to get quickly to me…

I reached to balance him and give him some love…

And he said…

“Mama!”