Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Frustration and Big Dreams…

Up at 5 am this morning…well..the alarm went off at 5 am.

WHY:

Becuase I'm FRUSTRATED with myself, with my LACK of self-discipline, lately.

The plan: go walk.

Hit the snooze…then DREAMED I was out walking in the cool morning air…

Then the alarm went off at 5:07…lol…alas, walking in one’s sleep is NOT the same as the actual walking..

Snuck downstairs, fed the dog, put on my shoes and hit the road.

1.4 miles in 26 minutes.

I've grown increasingly...um...exasperated by the length of my to do list...

At not getting things done…

At how much list is left at the end of a day...

At finding there is only time for Jay at the end of the day and ignoring my list...only to find myself happily played out with a huge list the next morning.

So…I begin earlier and try to get oxygen in my lungs…

I start out my day differently...so that the entire direction of my day can be shifted. I'm looking for that paradigm shift...I'm looking for that inspiration and that drive and that determination that is so much a part of my character. I'm looking to check things off that darn to do list..or at least to check off more than I have to add!

I'm up at this hour generally anyway...so...getting out of the house for 30 minutes to walk...to empty my head and "fill the well" seems in order. Its not a new perspective really...its an "I know this works, why am I not doing it?" perspective.

There are things I know work...walks and being careful with my diet and journaling and defending my creative time. They just make mommy a happier person...and that makes all of us happier (cuz if momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy! HA HA!!!)

It was good…I listened to Joyce Meyer and watched the sun come up. I felt energized and alive and not like I needed a quad espresso to get to lunch time.

FAB-U-LOUS!

Here's a good question...why the heck do I let myself get off track? good question. I'll have to ponder that and come to the root of it sometime. I NEED to get to the root of it...to dig and just do the work...do the things I KNOW work...

Heard a sermon on Saturday night that has been sticking with me.

The big idea: Dream a dream so big that only God can accomplish it.

I already have.

He already did.

I have a home...a son...a husband...a church...a ladies group...a great job...a different life in a new place. I had a wonderful church and group of ladies...I had a decent job...but, I never dreamed I'd have a home or a son...I only barely allowed myself to dream that I'd have a husband, a great marriage. These are the things of a dream fulfilled...a dream I always had out there but that I never really believed would come to fruition...I never let go of the "some day" on these things. And God has been faithful to me...more faithful to me than I was to Him, that is for sure...

I’ve been resting in the wake of the fruition of that dream… Learning to be a mom, to find new balance, to pay attention to the details of life so that I am aware of what my son sees and hears and observes on a daily basis. I have been accepting and marvelling and trying to share the fruit of this dream...

Still...part of me has been sort of struggling becuase I'm not used to the thought that a dream has come true. I've floundered a bit becuase I cannot get used to the idea that my somewhere, someday dream is NOW...Its so much JOY, so much love and happiness I never thought I'd I have.

Its a bit like the day after I graduated from college. I'd worked so hard to get to that day...and the next day I woke up and the first thougth in my head was "Now what?" It terrified me!

There has been that part of me that is terrified...becuase the things I've dreamed have come true...and I haven't really thought too much about what follows a dream coming true...(Happily ever after???? honestly...that sounds a little boring...dangerous even!)

But now...

Now it is time to begin dreaming of what is to come...of how He will move me to share these things with others in new ways...of friends I will make and places I will see and new things I will experience, try, master, share...

We prayed in church on Saturday night for the next big dream…for an impossible dream that only God could accomplish..

I’m praying for clarity and direction and a vivid image of what He has in store for me. I realize that we are only to take things one step at a time. But I believe that He equips us uniquely and with purpose to fulfill certain things in His plan…and I’m ready for the next assignment…He’s already given me a home and a family and a son. And I’m awakened each day to just how hard His job is with me.

This thought of a new big dream touched me…and it has my blood flowing and my eyes tipped upward and my ears perked…

Dream a dream so big that only God can accomplish it…

Alrighty then…

Peace, everyone!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Love this idea. We have a friend in Athens, GA who started a non-profit Christian recording company. He and his wife discussed it for a long time, and she finally asked him "is this worth failing for?" It has been something so crazy that they knew only God could do it, and even if they failed, it would still be worth it.