Thursday, March 31, 2005

Profound Cliche of the Day

Okay, Okay, Okay…I’m a horrible blogger!!! 40 lashes with a wet noodle for me!!! I realized after returning from church last night that I have not blogged since FRIDAY!!! Nor answered my e-mail (and I am SO popular with the SPAMMERS…they just can’t get enough of me…its good to be loved!). Not returned any of my phone calls. Not journaled. Not studied. Not done anything creative (except spend $20 on new Basic Grey products! YUMMY!) Not worked out. Not stuck to my eating plan. UGH!

So here is the plan: Start today! I want so very much to get behind myself and sweep up the messes… Hi, my name is Felecia and I’m a workaholic.

What a noble method of escapism I’ve chosen. I can escape all the things I cannot face by working working working…and if you just glance at me, you might think, “Look how hard she works!!!” Phooey! If I’m such a disciplined person, why can’t I exercise that discipline and do some things that are good for me? Yup…the adult version hide-and-seek. Ollie-Ollie-Oxen-Free! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

I’ve discovered that I have a root of rejection in me …still trying to trace that all the way back…more on that later, I’m sure. “Discovered”: is probably the wrong word…”acknowledged” is more accurate…I’ve known all along, but work…well, you know. I have a critical thinking that I’ve chosen to use for the purposes of evil…where the heck is Hong Kong Phooey when you need him? As if the beating the world gives is not enough, I’ve begun beating myself. Manifestation: escapism (work-o-holic!) and perfectionism. Translation: I do nothing but work like a mad woman on things that that I know will turn out right….Rightness….how could I possibly fool myself into believing I’m in rightness when everything is entirely out of balance, out of focus, out of control? And what am I so afraid of that I cannot START something unless I can see how it will end? There is no spiritual, creative, emotional or intellectual growth in this. Profound cliché of the day – enjoy the journey.

Friday, March 25, 2005

I am Yours

I cannot relax...I'm home today, but not resting or relaxing. My head is aching with one of my famous headaches...they just chip away at my sanity. No matter how many times I force my shoulders and neck to relax, I find myself a few moments later tense and balled up.

I'm off to soak in a sented bath to see if I can chase this tension out of my body, but have found the same words running over and over through my brain. I'm not even sure that I have them right...you know, in the right order. But since God is working on my "rightness" and I'm attempting to break free from whole fear of being wrong/perfection issue, I'm posting them in the order they are cascading through my brain. On Good Friday it seems so appropriate that this song should be so firmly lodged in my aching head:

Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I
That the bright and morning stars
Would choose to light the way
For my ever-wandering heart
Who am I
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I
That the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A whisper in the wind
Still you hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Red Lake Perspective

My parents live in Bemidji, MN and, so, are close to the Red Lake tragedy. There is a gentleman named Kent Nerburn who has an interesting and personal perspective on the events as well as the culture of the area. Its something you will never get from the media...

Be enlightened.

I've an image in my pocket....

I put things in my pockets and then I forget them...a surprise gift left for later on. Some of my pocket surprises:

Razzle My Berry Lip gloss
Keys
Cell phone (I actually lost this for two days!)
Paper clips
A five and five ones
Receipts for coffee or groceries or scrapbook supplies
Purple felt-tip pen
Driver’s license – once mine, once somebody else’s that I was holding
ATM card (you’d be surprised how long this can be gone before I notice!)
Sugar packets
Telephone numbers on scraps of paper – when I was single
Bracelet
Gum – used and wadded in an old wrapper and new
Candy wrappers
My rings
Coupons
Ticket stub – I leave my movie ticket stubs in my pockets all the time
Comb
Birthday card
Jump drive
Thumb tack – this was a painful find
Picture – a CKU picture, no less
Wet Wipe packet
Chocolate Kiss
CD of music to learn
Watch

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Secret Vagabond Gypsy

In my imagination, I’m a vagabond gypsy. Secretly, I yearn

To travel through Europe with just a back-pack and a camera.
To raft the Colorado river
To fly like a bird, quietly, peacefully, tranquilly
To shower in a waterfall
To ride a camel in Egypt
To travel by horse-drawn carriage through the Irish country side
To walk the Great Wall of China from beginning to end
To play a guitar and sit around a campfire on the beach singing with a bunch of strangers
To dance wildly with the waves
To ride a horse as fast as the wind across an English moore
To live barefoot and unencumbered on a tropical island

My spirit longs to break from the ties of society and technology and responsibility and fear…to step outside my own garden gate and onto the road just to see where it will take me…I should be more careful what I long for…

Monday, March 21, 2005

Present Tense: Update

My dh wandered in while I was posting...his comment: "Scary. You're in my world." (He does website development and internet marketing stuff for fun! SICK, I TELL YOU! SICK!!!)

And I thought...interesting...I'm in an entry called "Present Tense, " I'm blogging, which makes me present tense by defualt, I imagine. I'm learning discussing how to push forward and with ghusto....and dh finds it "scary." Sigh!

My friend James...he and I are stuck in each other's hearts lately. I know he's tugging at me and I'm tugging at him...He's the brother I never had...and sometimes more like my best girlfriend than either of us would care to admit. He and I - we ventured into some really deep stuff together...and God is moving powerfully in each of our lives. We've always said that we would end up making our art together somewhere in our future...that God had knit us together. But we've not made music together for some time now...he's learning things and has had a powerful year of rebuilding, repairing, reconnecting and resurrecting. Its a year he has had to go through to firmly close some doors and to take other doors off of their hinges so that they can never be closed again.

I've had the same experiences...how do I write, create, be....how do I do that all by myself? I've had to learn to sing all over again. And to trust. And I've been in a situation that makes me entirely uncomfortable because of the randomness and the suddenness of it...and somehow, I've grown used to it. There is an expectancy in my spirit for the surprise and the uncertainty...and I have peace of all things, without preparation. No God in a box...miraculous as far as I'm concerned. And in front of 2500 people!!!

Each of us has grown beyond the limits we placed on ourselves and we have become entirely different than our expectations could ever have allowed us to be. Its time to get into the present, into the now...becuase its the only way we get to the some day.

Present Tense

"Popular music is the voice box of culture; it tells our stories in present tense. And every day, new voices chime in with perspectives either generic or poignant, chaff or wheat. As a culture, we're listening for the real thing: we want the hope, and we want the song to resonate."

What a statement...we want the hope, we want to song to resonate. This is from the bio of a new Christian artist that I've stumbled upon...probaly light years after everyone else, but she's new to me!! Her name is Bethany Dillon and I love the sound of her voice!!

So I'm thinking...am I wheat or chaff? Am I generic or poignant? Do I resonate? Is the art I make significant to me? Is it hopeful? Is the process really peeling away the layers? Some days yes...and others a resounding no...

Distillation: purposefulness. To not live with purpose is to live accidently, isn't it? To not explore with ghusto is to slink timidly, isn't it? To not drive forward with hope is to give the Devil the keys, isnt' it?

It brings to mind advice I once received, "If you are going to make a mistake, make it loud and clear. The dummies in the audience won't know the difference. They will think you meant for it to be that way." Except for the disturbing thought that I'm often one of the dummies in the audience, I find it sound advice.

Don't just put in your toe....jump all the way in...and do a cannon ball while you're at it! The dummies in the audience don't know the diffrence...and they wish they had as much guts as you.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Office-supply-o-holic

Its so time for me to face it! I'm an off-supply-o-holic! These are my new favorite pens!



They are the coolest things...and come in a handy dandy case that props up on my desk to make it convenient!!! There are 10 colors here, and when I grow up, I'm going to get the 20 color set!!! woo hoo!!!!

I purchased a new set of colored pencils today to....so lets see...the tally over the last two days is one set of colord pencis and three new books on creativity. I've got a new sketch book and a new journal.

you khnow it occurs to me that God prepares us for what is to come...I must be going to color like a mad-woman!!!

I'd Bet On It

When I was a mere mortal, I would have bet that I was a better singer than just about everyone I heard. Oh, how a year can change things!!!




I AM SO NOT WORTHY of this place to which I have been delivered by God!!! I'm so blessed to be a part of this! This group of people is the most wonderful group...How did this happen?!?!?!?!

Two new songs written for the Easter weekend - all parts learned from an hour of our time and a few minutes to ferret out the right harmonies. And a gorgeous sound in just a little while. Do they realize that large groups of very talented people take days and sometimes even weeks or months to learn music like we do? Praise God for His hand here!!

Kathy's song is hangin in my head...in my heart....

You were crucified. Crucified
A spectacle for all the world to see
But what they didn't realize
Is on the third day You would rise
And your Spirit would prevail in me

How did I get here from there? Its an expanse I could not have crossed in this time in my way...

And I've come to realize that each of us has our own part...and I do my part better than anyone else could do it...

I'd bet on it.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

I Already Feel it Coming....

On Tuesday, I start Breaking Free. I can already feel it coming....God is going to do some work...

I've got an itch to be creative, but almost cannot...I want to sing and dance and scrapbook and laugh and doodle and paint and cut and paste and sand bang and click and...well you get the picture. But something...something isn't right. I'm restless and restrained and fenced and bound...Yea, its coming.

I don't know what God will do...I'm prayerful...I'm fearful...I'm hopefulll.

I ordered three books today:

  • Living out Loud


  • The Nine Modern Day Muses: 10 Guides to Creative Inspiration for Artists, Poets, Lovers, and Other Mortals Wanting to Live a Dazzling Existence


  • Spiritual Doodles and Mental Leapfrogs: Playbook for Unleashing Spiritual Self Expression

  • I can't wait until they get here.

    I'm having University of Redlands all up in my world...last year, I got hooked up with Karen again...and now TJ from econ who's still in contact with Shawn Trejo and knows about the other Shawn...oh, THAT Shawn! Not Trejo...that other one. I had a CRUSH on him!!! but I had to run off and get married to a rock-star. SIGH! So, in Riverside and on-line and 15 years later, UofR has crossed distances and time to be in my world...and not randomly, but firmly planted. What glorious circumstance! A once-closed door has opened and beckoned me to step on through!!!!

    It is SO COMING!!!!!

    My New Favorite Thing


    Dani Passionfruit Shower Gel and Lotion!

    I stumbled on this stuff about a week ago in a little skin care boutique in town...this stuff and an amazing lip gloss called Plum Your Pucker.

    I worked 13 hours yesterday in front of this stupid computer....and if it weren't for the glorious awakening power of passionfruit shower gel, I'd have crawled back into bed this morning. Its a little bit of heaven in a bottle...

    I believe I'll be having another triple shot caramel latte kind of day! Oh, lets just be honest, I can ALWAYS use a caramel latte! :-) But that frantic, alive sort of feeling I get from three shots of espresso is just what I need to face what will probably be 13 more hours....Ugh...

    Wednesday, March 16, 2005

    The Voice of Truth

    4:30 am - There is a message from my friend Sareta - She's just calling to sing "I love you" Stevie Wonder style and grossly out of tune so I have a hearty good-morning laugh. Good thing. It was far too early to be going to work.

    Triple shot caramel latte - easy on the caramel. Its a Wednesday from H - E - Double Hockey Stick and I will need the artificial high this morning.... Thank you God for coffee and whatever crazy person decided to roast the beans, grind them up and pour hot water over them for the first time...It really does take an innovator, somebody to live out loud and look at things with a new perspective...somebody to say, "I wonder what would happen if...."

    Sareta - when I think of her, I put in Casting Crowns ....and I play Voice of Truth...and then I think of her some more and so I repeat the song once more:

    Oh what I would do to have
    The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
    Onto the crashing waves
    To step out of my comfort zone
    Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
    And he's holding out his hand

    But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
    Reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed
    The waves keep on telling me time and time again
    Boy, you'll never win. You'll never win

    But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
    The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid."
    The Voice of Truth says, "This is for My Glory"
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

    Oh what I would do to have
    The kind strength it takes to stand before a giant
    With just a sling and a stone
    Surrounded by sound of a thousand warriors
    Shaking in their armor
    Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

    The giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
    Reminding me of all the times I tried before and failed
    The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
    Boy, you'll never win. You'll never win.

    But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
    The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid."
    The Voice of Truth says, "This is for My Glory"
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

    But the stone was just the right size
    To put the giant on the ground
    And the waves they don't seem so high
    From on top of them looking down
    I will soar with the wings of eagles
    When stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
    Singing over me.

    Tuesday, March 15, 2005

    Have you ever been tested?

    Not the good-morning-class-get-out-your-pencils-time-for-a-pop-quiz test. Not a can't-you-read-my-mind-and-do-what-I'm-thinking-because-I'm-testing-you test.

    I'm talking about the-forces-of-Good-and-Evil-have-placed-a-bet-on-you kind of test. Your insides coil up, rebel against you and you hear voices in your head...its just not pretty. Last night, I was tested...the Good-and-Evil test. Over money, no less.

    Ever since I heard about Joyce Meyer and the shopping carts, I ALWAYS put my shopping cart away. If you can't be trusted with the little things, then how could you be trusted with the big things? If you don't put away your shopping cart how can you be trusted to handle the next thing?

    So here's the story - I wasn't charged for an item at a craft store. The voices telling me that the bill wasn't right followed me to the car and then chased me down the freeway for over 10 miles. If you can't be trusted with the little things, then how can you be trustd with bigger things? I got off the freeway. I turned around. I drove all the way back to the craft store and took the freebee back inside. I endured that look from the checker because I WANTED her to charge me. I passed.

    Gratitude

    Everyday I pass a huge cemetary on my ay home. There is always a woman there with 3 or 4 children tending a grave-site. She puts fancy decorations and flowers around it and does amazing things so it always looks pretty.

    The sight of her and her family brings me to tears...and I say a prayer for her each time...Oh, God, please heal that family and bring them joy enough to overcome their loss.

    I am so grateful! Grateful that I believe in a Heaven and that I'm going there. Grateful that there is no pain in my life deep enough to send me to a site and stone where there is no longer a soul. Grateful that I have already said to my loved ones - don't bury me...don't mourn me...throw a party to celebrate - I will be with Jesus!

    Am I real?

    Now that I have a blog, am I real? It strikes me as fabulous that in our days of cyber hakcing, identity theft and fear of the unknown, we still want to connect enough to publish our thoughts to a blog. I don't hear from my sister enough and I don't connect with my parents enough...so here i am. I hope they read my puny little thoughts and feel closer than the distance of our lives can currently allow us to be.

    This morning, my nostrils were filled with cool, crisp air heavily laden with the perfume of sweet orange blossoms.

    Perfection - the smell freshly brewed coffee, passion fruit shower gel and orange blossoms. Never mind that my Bible reading today was all about curses, that I didn't manage to get my makeup on BEFORE I arrived at work, that I'm having a bad hair day...Oh, that I could sit on my own front porch and inhale deeply.

    I found a quote yesterday on Ali Edwards' blog:
    "Sara`quale che vuole Dio." which translates "It will be as God wishes." She got it from another wonderful scrappper. Its my new mantra...I'll wear it like glittering crown upon my head.