Friday, December 09, 2005

Chaos…

Whirling…

Swirling…

Up and down the stairs…

Into and out of rooms…

Hard edged voices…

Viscious words…

One member screeching, yelling, controlling…

One member maddenly calm and quiet…

A third member trying to separate the two…

And I have a realization…I am entirely too comfortable with this.

I sit in a quiet room…

Down the hall...

Out of range of the tornado of rage and emotion…

Quietly…

Breathing steadily, peacefully…

Listening…

Observing…

Waiting…

And I’m used to it.

I have this startling revelation that in my lifetime, I’ve heard so much of this, participated so many times, watched and waited my way through wave after wave of this chaos that I am entirely comfortable within its eye.

I know what this feels like.

I know what to expect.

I know how it will not really end, but just fade away into an uncomfortable silence.

Things were said, words that slice and dice, that hurt because they are designed to, that reek of evil rage and power struggling and issues unresolved…

Words that speak death into the life of another, that kill something trusting, that snip the chords of a safety net...

Words that unleash uncertainty and ill will and waning confidence and pain…

Words that have been unleashed to spread their destructive force from one life into the lives of three other people...

Words that cannot be taken back...

And its everybody else’s fault

I know that “I’m sorry” and “I love you” will be spoken, but that they are ineffective band-aids over gaping, bleeding wounds.

I know that the person who created this chaos did so because they could not bear to be corrected, could not bear to change one small thing in a life that is already so very fragile…a life built on cards, on sand, on something shaky and in great need of shoring up, in great need of repair.

This was about power...

Somebody needed to be in control...

Somebody needed to be right

And I know it so well that it bothered me almost not at all

And this disturbs me greatly...

I have grown entirely too comfortable with emotional war...

I am too comfortable with chaos...

1 comment:

amazing grace said...

praying for you girl....

powerful and saddening post.

May the Lord comfort you and bring you His peace....