Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Blog neglect and a fresh list...

I have been an excruciatingly bad blogger….I’m just so doggone busy that it falls to the bottom of the priority list. Interesting, considering this is something I do for ME…SO revealing to find it falls to the bottom of the priority list when the schedule gets a little full. So…anyway….onward and upward. Its list time!!! I cannot think of a better way to resuscitate my blog than a hearty list…

Some things that are on my mind:

  • The disaster in the Gulf. I am just horrified by the pictures! My heart goes out to those people – displaced, desperate, in need. I’m including over a million strangers in my prayers! I cannot do much from here – donate my time, blood, food, money – but that all seems rather passive. The one ACTIVE thing I can do is ACTIVELY PRAY for the recovery to take less time than they think it will, for the healing hands of rescue and aid workers to impart true comfort, for hearts and lives to heal as quickly as possible.

  • The disastrous behavior of some of those people in the Gulf. I’m equally horrified to see the imagery of looting, fighting, and mayhem. How quickly the “civil” is removed from civilization when the creature comforts we have grown so used to in our country disappear. There are places in our world where there is NEVER potable water, NEVER enough food, NEVER a decent sewage system, NEVER safety, NEVER medicines and assistance. It really makes me think about how very, very blessed I am to live in this country. It also makes me think about how I would handle myself in the same situation. How would I be? It’s easy to sit in my A/C , with my hot morning coffee, and be horrified. Would I be so self-righteous if I were IN that situation?

  • Charlotte, NC. Will we be going? What is it like? How will I do without my friends close by? What will be different? What will be the same? Is there a church there for us? Is it in my cards to move all the way across the country?

  • Pomeranian Puppies. Yes, PUPPIES!!! Jazzy is having pups and I’m starting to think about what it would be like to have a new pup in our house. How would Hunny handle a pup in our house? I think she would never forgive me! She’s MY GIRL and to bring and new dog into the house…she just might want to smother me to death! Still, have you SEEN what Pom puppies look like? SO CUTE!

  • Laundry, bathtubs and the front yard…ah, yes. Housework. As I sit here, I think about all the things I SHOULD be accomplishing at home. Of course, if I was home, knee deep in cleaning the tub, I’d be thinking about all the things I have to accomplish here at work or on my scrap table. I should learn to be content and focused WHERE I AM – not only in LIFE, but in the MOMENT.

  • Job duties – again, I need some focus. Suddenly, I’m committed to a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t know I was going to be committed to. And the commitment was NOT made by me, but by my boss. And he didn’t tell me until AFTER the other main project person baffled me with a bunch of seemingly random questions. I don’t want to travel to a plant to check it out. I don’t want to sit in another office on campus to get things done. I don’t want to be at the mercy of the project lead that is appointed to this project (Fabulous, reliable guy…, but he’s a devil for details and they are often unnecessary work done simply for his comfort!) I don’t want to get involved. That’s the problem…my sights are set on something else and I don’t want to get involved.

  • Time with friends. I’m going to spend some time with Teri this weekend, and the anticipation of it is so fun! I know we are just going to hang out, do some garage-saleing and have a good time. I wish I could whisk each of my friends for a relaxed weekend alone to spend time with them all! It points out the LACK of connection I’ve had in this busy time. I need to remind myself that CONNECTIONS and RELATIONSHIPS are the most important thing.

  • Home…WHERE is that now? I don’t know. When I think of it, I think of my parent’s house. I think of Leadville. I think of the farm my grandparents had when I was a kid. I think of the creek where I used to get wet and muddy in Kasson. I think of lots of things that give my heart comfort and peace. I MISS the places and the people I call home.

Off to check some things off my massive to-do list! PEACE everyone!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Its 4:30 and I’ve done absolutely nothing…

I had a headache today…I just felt funky this morning…tired…not myself. As my day progressed, I had my coffee, I realized that a headache was creeping up on me.

I went to lay down…took some aspirin…just trying to keep it to a dull roar…I really don’t have time to get a migraine…there is too much going on…which is exactly WHY I would get a migraine…darn stress….

I’m ready to begin Joel’s book…I’m excited to begin Joel’s book…I’m ready for change.

Change, I think, is in the cards this year….I started the year saying that this year was going to bring great changes for me…I had no idea at the time just how much….

Though the timing isn’t clear at this point, I know it will all fall neatly into place with few loose ends…it is God’s way. Unfortunately, I’m very concerned about finding a place where I can be fed should the pieces fall in Charlotte instead of Redlands. I know there will always be a place to meet God, but a place like Rock is so rare…

I will know when the call is made, when the time is right….

But today, I’m just trying to stay still, and peaceful and relaxed so that when the sun comes up tomorrow, it will not have to be blocked out of my bedroom along with all noises and smells…

Peace to all!!!

Friday, August 19, 2005

More Questions than Answers

Doing some soul searching for a circle journal with a theme of "Remember Me"...this is my journaling for the entry:

Remember me…when I pondered how I would like to be remembered, or what remembrances would be tomorrow if I left the earth today, I thought it would be easy. I have grand ideas about who I am. There were obvious answers: Honest, happy, intelligent, generous, loving, kind, strong, faithful. Yet I hesitated…

WOULD I, in fact, be remembered as these things? Would I be remembered at all? Is it important that I be remembered? I started to think about how I live my life each day, from the time my feet hit the floor to when my head hits the pillow. Do my choices, my habits, my lifestyle point to something specific for which I will be remembered? Is that “something specific” the something for which I want to be remembered?

Sometimes, I am so sure that my life will mean something someday. But I had to pause and ask myself…Is that important? Is meaning something after you are gone important?

And what of today? Does what I do today mean something now? What am I doing now, this day, this hour, this minute, this second? What am I doing to stay in the moment, to live life to the fullest potential, to lend positive lightness to the world in which I live? What am I doing besides breathing and planning the next minute? Where do my feet, my thoughts, my spirit need to be now? Are they there? Or is my fear and my stubborn will and my earthly desires for more, more, more keeping me from where I am destined to be?

This is the heart of 1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Pray without ceasing.” In the face of constant questions, one must always be asking: “Am I where I need to be God? Show me. Direct my steps. Light my path. I will trust in You for guidance, for direction, not just with my big plans, but with my tiny daily rituals.” Its this conversation with God, this constant interaction that is most important to who I am now, who I am supposed to be, to that something for which I am destined to be remembered.


Yet…I chose not this path.

I do not ask…I do not pray…I do not seek His face, instead running in my own direction, of my own will, my own accord.

And then some on asks – “How do you want to be remembered?” And I pause…I am still…for a moment…and I am faced with the realization of why I do not make a habit of stopping and I do not ask for guidance and I do not listen when it is given…

Because in moments of stillness I realize I am paralyzed by the unknown aspects of my own future. Despite my trying, I have trouble trusting God enough for the unknown to be okay. In stillness I am faced with my own lack of faith in my God – I have more questions than answers.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I’m having one of those days where there are lots of plodding tasks ahead of me that just need to be done…and no one else is going to do them. Its time-consuming, tedious work that just has to be pushed through….I’ll confess…my mind wanders while I’m doing it. I day dream of cottages in the English countryside and hot, rich coffee and far more interesting tasks than the ones I have now.

It’s a cool, overcast day here….a welcome blessing to the heat and humidity we’ve recently had. It makes me want to get some coffee, sit down at my scrap table and just do some creative work. There is a part of me that wants to hole up at home and pretend that the only electricity that we have goes to the lights in my office and the coffee maker…no TV, no phones, no computers.

Lord knows, I have plenty to do with scrapping…a circle journal entry, a tag for Donna’s blog book, an altered tin for the SA Weekly Challenge, thank you cards, my Christmas album…the list of things I could work on goes on and on. And I have TONS of cards I could be making just for the fun of it!

And the list of household tasks is always enormous…There is always laundry, mopping, vacuuming, picking up, sorting, organizing, whatever to be done around a house...and my office is, as always, absolutely askew with scrapbooking supplies. No matter how well I organize and put away, if I have projects in process, things are out of their designated storage...and usually all over my desk.

I also have a list of people to call, e-mails to return, filing, writing, and research to accomplish :::sigh::: And currently NO time for any of this…at least not until Friday night…the rest of the week is just packed to over-flowing…

Alright – enough griping! I’m off to get to my plodding tasks!!!

Happy day, everyone!!!!

Monday, August 15, 2005

I’ve been TAGGED!!!!

Miss Leah , an incredibly lovely lady and, from what I’ve seen on her blog, quite an artist/designer tagged me…

So, here goes!!!

Idiosyncrasy: structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your idiosyncrasies. Then, tag 5 people if you want....

1. I sing (or hum)…everywhere and all the time. In the shower, in the car, in the post office (once I actually got asked to be quiet!), on the front porch, when I scrap…all the time.

2. I am addicted to coffee. Seriously. I LOVE coffee…like the way it smells, like the way it tastes, like hot, cold, blended, with vanilla, caramel, chocolate, in cake, frosting, ice cream…Do they have a 12 step program for that?

3. I take cartoon breaks. Its mindless entertainment when my brain needs a rest. Nothing like 30 minutes of good, clean animation to ease a brain’s burdens. Besides, have you seen Kim Possible? SHE ROCKS!

4. Dirty, scaly feet gross me out! If you got that kind of feet, wear shoes. If you want to wear sandals, get a pumice!

5. I will stare at you if you are interesting! I like to people watch, to see what I can see…and I’m not discreet. Seems I can never keep my eyes to myself!

Ok…now I’m tagging!! (I only have three, but TAG YOUR IT ANYWAY!!!)

Teri , Becky , Sonda

Monday, August 08, 2005

Messy Spirituality

Found some quotes and a discussion of Michael Yaconelli’s Messy Spiritality this morning. I got caught up reading the excerpts.

want to read this book SO MUCH because the nature of my own spirituality is so messy…I'm very into rules and compartments and perfection…a standard to which I could not possibly live an earthly life.

All the time I spend seeking perfection, I’m also trying to eliminate the drive to be perfect. Interesting conflict, huh?

And while I seek to eliminate my desire for perfection, it is ever with me…my own little red devil sitting on my left shoulder telling me all about how horrible I am, have been, will always be. He's loud…sometimes I cannot ignore him or shush him away…

As much as I want to abandon my quest to be a perfect person and to deny those parts of me that are and forever will be imperfect, it tortures me still and daily. Perhaps, my cross????

And lets just not even get into the part about being an artist…

Artists, by nature, are "a mess" I think…we resonate with what is around us, we feel what is around us, we cannot not tune out because we are so in touch with something not of ourselves, with EVERYTHING not of ourselves. It makes us sensitve to the Spirit…and sensitive to the demons. And in our current culture, to be sensitive to demons is perceived as not a good thing.

For me, it most certainly helps me to avoid bad things…but it also justifies me shying away from people who need salvation simply because I am sensitive to their demons and I don’t want to soil my perfection…

When I look at this intellectually, it all seems entirely too interesting. But the sad spiritual reality is that I am building myself inside a safe set of walls…no one in, no one out.

Somehow I have to give myself permission to be imperfect, to be messy…that is why the subject of the book is so interesting to me…not because it gives me a way to be perfect, but because it gives me permission to be imperfect and to really admit to it and then get ON with the process of doing what God wants me to do…I TRY TO HARD to be what I am not and try not hard enough to be what God asks of me because appearances mean far too much to me.

Ok…so the quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. – Nelson Mandela

What I find so inspiring about this is the concept that my greatest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure…why? Because I am in the habit of proclaiming myself powerful…but not in the habit of ACTING that way! I'm in the habit of boasting, but not DOING. And I'm certainly NOT in the habit of thinking of myself in terms being a person who plays BIG, who is LIGHT…I always perceive myself as something I’m not. Certainly healthy in its own way because it grounds me. But I need to find balance that includes what I AM in Christ with what I am NOT in myself…less self focus, more God focus.

Happy and safe journey everyone!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Photo Friday

This week's Photo Friday challenge: Complexity


Vacation pictures…

Vacation pictures…

My film from vacation is done (LOVE for their speed!)

This is a few from Santa Fe. The exposure is off, but the effect makes these pictures kind of “golden” like they were all taken at the end of the day. I love the outcome…they really feel like Santa Fe!

Santa Fe 3.

Santa Fe 2

Santa Fe 1

Peace everyone!!!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Jr. High Crushes…

I’ve been sort of “homesick.”

Not for my “now” home…

For my “then” home…Leadville, Colorado…

We drove through while on vacation, but only briefly. I grinned from ear to ear the whole way through…I could name every new thing in town as we drove through. There is another stop light from the last time I was there…I think that brings the grand total to two?

It was a good place to grow up…

Mostly, I’ve been thinking about the “good old days” because one person has been creeping into my thoughts…Danny McAuliffe. Don’t ask me why, because I haven’t the foggiest. Perhaps its that I just got back from “home” or perhaps it just because its summer and I tend to reminisce on these warm, sunny days.

Its been about 10 years or so since I saw him my baby sister’s first wedding. SO much has happened since jr. high. So much has happened in the 10 years since I last saw Dan McAuliffe.

I had the WORST crush on his blonde head in jr. high and high school…the WORST crush. The kind of crush that left me tongue-tied…which is a startling reaction for me, to be quite honest. While I have not got a great poker face, I can always find something to say!

Went through some old photos trying to find a picture, but, alas, I cannot find my year books. They are packed in a box in the garage somewhere. I have this feeling that those pictures would bring Mr. Crush down a few notches in my 35 year-old eyes…Nice hair and a cute smile become less and less important on the “great guy” check list as one grows older…and let us not forget that jr. high and high school were from 82 to 88 for me, so who knows WHAT God-awful hairstyle I thought was cute back then. I am almost too horrified to look!

I guess you will just have to trust me when I say that he was the epitome of a jr. high dream boat. A Jr. High dreamboat? Does such a thing actually exist?

Jr. high…ah, that wonderful time when crushes meant that the person you had a crush on could NOT find out or they would be as mean to you as possible, or embarrassed about it until friends were consulted to validate the coolness factor of the crush. I suffered MUCH at the hands of the boys I had crushes on…they were so cute and I was so awkward…lol…and of course, every crush was the absolutely end of the world if affection was not returned! SIGH!!! if I only knew then what I know now about 13 year old boys!

Danny McAuliffe was NOT the only crush I ever had, nor was he the only jr. high dreamboat floating around…however, he was the worst crush I ever had. WHY??? Because of all the boys I ever had a crush on, he was the only one I remember as being NICE to me about the whole thing. He knew I was hopeless in like with him…he HAD to know…but, he never made a big deal of it. He never embarrassed me about it, that I can recall. In fact, I don’t remember a single time he wasn’t absolutely sweet to me in his own jr. high boy way.

I’ve seen and spoken with nearly every crush I had in Jr. High and high school. I’ll be honest. Some of them are still 13 inside…I walked away from each of those experiences thinking to myself, “What in the world did I ever see in that person?” Some of them have gone to great things and some have gone on to mediocrity…almost none of them impress me these days and I find myself shaking my head at ever having a crush in the first place. Proof that crushes are blind!

When I met up with Danny 10 years ago, it was an odd sensation. It was fun. He was as nice as ever. Imagine how my little heart leapt when somebody said to me, “Dan’s here. He wants to talk to you.” OH, the JOY of it! HE wants to talk to ME…WOOHOO!!!

It was a nice conversation. A-smiling-laughing-hugging-heart-in-my-throat-its-so-fabulous-to-stand-before-you-a-beautiful-grown-up-woman-and-have-you-want-to-talk-to-me moment. I will never forget his face at that moment…nor will I ever forget his face in the “tunnel” at the jr. high school, saying “hi” to me as we passed with 50 other people around on the way to class.

I have no idea where Danny McAuliffe is these days. I’ve not seen or heard one word from him in the last 10 years. I don’t know what sort of life he has had. For me, just as one life-time seemed to pass from the time we graduated high school to the time we met up at that wedding, another life-time has passed in the 10 years since I last laid eyes on him.

Its joy to remember how innocent and sweet that crush felt. He had nice hair and a sunshine smile and he was kind to me. All I wanted was his attention. Would that all my adult relationships were so simple and pure. “I like you…Wanna hang out?”

Joy, everyone!!!