Tuesday, May 03, 2005


This is my word for the day, week, month, year, lifetime….


I heard a tape by Cynthia Swindoll where she says, “You are not irresponsible because you are sick. You are sick because you are irresponsible.”

Wow. I’m sick because I’m irresponsible. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to be irresponsible.


What does this mean to my everyday life?

Take responsibility – take action. I’m bemoaning my state to God instead of doing what I know works, what I know is right.

Drink more water. Quit with the diet coke. Drink GOOD coffee once a day in moderation and not bad coffee all the time. Caffeine is stealing my sleep from me and the combination of caffeine and carbonation is stealing my bone mass. Why am I consuming something that is stealing from me?

Sit up straight – my posture has just been rotten. I spend too much time curled up in a little ball.

Turn off the TV – it’s poisonous and I allow it to steal my time.

Enrich my spiritual and intellectual selves – I need to read, to listen, to surround myself with challenging concepts and spiritual food…I need to feed myself on God’s wisdom and the wisdom of His chosen messengers.

No more junk food, fast food, processed food, sugar overloads, bread overloads, boxed cereal. Its poison. I don’t feel good when I eat this stuff…its temporary “up” time and does not provide me with any substantial and long-lasting energy. I cannot live my very full life on this junk! My body just won’t do it.

Exercise…This is really a no-brainer, but somewhere along the line, I started to avoid it. It’s a life necessity and its time to face the facts.

Take care of my body – while I’m at it I might as well face all of it. I need to take good care of my hair, my skin, my teeth, all the time, every time. I do these things, but I’m neither consistent nor thorough. I need to take better care of the body that God has given me…he will only give me one. I cannot have another if I continue to screw this one up.

Focus…I have none. My powers have diminished considerably. Partly due to the emotional strain I’ve been placing on myself, partially due to the physical strain I’ve placed on myself. I’m not filling myself up with good stuff, so all I have to give out is junk. I’m not surrounding myself with good stuff, so all I can see is junk. How can I focus when all I want to do is close my eyes and close my mind and close my soul to block out the all the junk?

Continue the concepts of Breaking Free. It’s amazing what 15 scheduled minutes of prayer, journal time and the courage to challenge and face the things that bind me has done. I’m only getting started. I can’t stop now.

Listen to music – I used to know all the up-and-comers. I used to go watch bands play. I used to hit the coffee houses and revel in the creative process, in the birth of other singers and musicians. I used to buy cool CD’s and get lost in them. I used to look up artists on the internet and listen to their snippets. I have stopped. WHY? Because Scott doesn’t like it. But he and I are two different people and its time I do what feeds my creative self! He can come along or not…and that is ok. I need to fill up the well inside of myself with the things that I know fuel my own growth and journey to maturity. I’ve run on an empty well too long.

Stop judging my own creative process. I want to actually challenge myself in many ways here. I have projects up the wazoo to finish. Its time to get myself out onto the page. I need to finish these projects…to touch those painful things that made me want to stop…to soothe those things in me and keep going. The process itself will be healing and I need just exercise the process. The results are just results, not good, nor bad. When I can just be in the process and not worry about the outcome, then I want to be published. THERE. I said it. I want to be published.

Find work that makes me happy. I don’t know what this means for me yet. I just know it needs to be done. Where I am or somewhere else. I cannot continue to be so unhappy and so burdened for hours and hours of the day.

My whole life is toxic and I’m ready for it not to be. It will be uncomfortable. I keep hearing in my heart, “I built a gulf so wide I saw my life go by on the other side.” I’m crossing the gulf, I’m bridging the gap, I’m going to make non-toxic choices, no matter how unpleasant they may seem.



amazing grace said...

very inspirational and motivating--I, too, have been thinking alot about the things you posted.

Anonymous said...

What great insights, Felecia! I'm going to attempt the unplugged thing this weekend....no computer, no TV, just me and my family.